A Letter to "Everybody Loves Raymond's" Debra Barone

March 25th, 2005 by OZ

Dear Debra Barone,

You are not a good person. You are, in fact, what I would call a bad person. Here are the facts that support this assertion:

1. You underappreciate Ray's role as the "bread winner."
2. You don't have a job even though your kids go to school. That excuse worked when they were babies, but what's the hold-up now, princess?
3. Your insistence on #1 despite #2. That adds up to #3, which is this one.
4. You are mean, and you scream a lot. This is a two-fer, since I'm a good person.
5. You have ugly children. That's half your fault, but I can't get this list to use fractions.
6. You are short. ...I needed something else to account for the other half of #5.

If there was a television show where you were the primary character, it would be called Everybody Hates Debra or Nobody Loves Debra. This is not what you should aspire to. You should aspire to be loved. Look at your husband, Raymond. Or Starr Jones. She gets fan letters. I can only offer you this, which can hardly be construed as a fan letter.

If you promise to improve upon your demeanor and send out a dozen resumes, I will write you a fan letter. I don't expect that you can do much about the sideshow-horror twins or your Oompa Loompa stature, so those are gimmes. Or rather, givyooz. Givyouse. Giyoose. I can't really spell that word, since it doesn't exist, but I'm sure you get the point.

Otherwise, I would appreciate it if you went off the air at the end of this season. There are enough bad people riding the airwaves, such as Brother Justin Crowe, apparently all but two Muslim people in the 24 universe, and Kelly Ripa. You're in the company of the devil's conduit, stereotyped terrorists, and annoying talk show hosts.

You're better than that. Or, at least, you could be.

Godspeed,

--oZ

PS: I like to include pictures, so here is one of you in your current state:

I think this speaks for itself.

Today is "Walk Like an Egyptian" Day! Oh-whey-oh!

this is debra barone, nonsense, television |

10 Responses

1. Cathartic Nonsense » A Reply From “Everybody Loves Raymond’s” Deborah Barone:
   

   [...] evision" rel="tag"> while eating lunch I recently received a reply to my letter to Deborah Barone. This is what she had to sa [...]

   Mar 29, 2005 at 1:11pm
2. Cathartic Nonsense » Another Reply From The Lovely Deborah Barone:
   

   [...] h Barone. For history's sake, here are the first few letters listed chronologically: me first, then Deborah, and then me again. Once ag [...]

   May 6, 2005 at 9:51pm
3. Cathartic Nonsense » Another Letter to “Everybody Loves Raymond’s” Deborah Barone:
   

   [...] is not something to be proud of. I must, however, give you credit for consistency. In my initial letter to you, I asked you to consider chang [...]

   May 20, 2005 at 10:12am
4. cindy:
   

   What is wrong with you? Debrah Barone is a fictional character! She is on TV. Editors make her lines for her and tell her what to do and say on the show. SHE IS AN ACTRESS. That is not what she is really like!!! Your reasons for her being a "bad person" are also stupid.
   -Two of your reasons were just referrering to other reasons.
   -Because she is short is not a reason for her to be a bad person.
   -Her "ugly children" are not ever hers. They are also actors.
   -No, you are NOT a good person, because you wrote the stupid letter in the first place.
   -She doesn't have a job because she has three children and takes care of them all day.
   -If you really hate the show that much, stop watching it, don't complain to a supporting lead actress.
   -You think she's such a bad person? Why don't you become a famous and world re-known actress and lets see what you have to say about her then. Ok, "princess" ??????????????????????????

   Mar 5, 2006 at 4:45pm
5. OZ:
   

   I'm not sure how someone could be a supporting lead actress. I'm watching the Oscars right now, in fact, and they have a category for lead actress and one for supporting actress. Maybe TV has a mix. I guess I should pay attention during the Emmys.

   Never the less, Cindy, you're very astute. I wish I had realized all of those excellent points that you mentioned. You have an incredible eye for detail. Absolutely INCREDIBLE! You took notice of the minutia that most people miss, even me! However, I must point out that you did miss one pretty important little detail...

   This is a joke!

   Hint: Read the rest of the posts in the "debra barone" category, or the "about me" section at the top.

   For your own safety, I think I should should also point out some important details that might have escaped your notice:

   1. Whenever you breathe air into your lungs, you should also breathe it out.
   2. The sky is indeed blue. No one painted it, so it will not drip on you.
   3. If you experience dripping and you think I'm lying about #2, don't worry, your clothes won't be stained. That's just rain, it's not blue paint.
   4. That strange force pulling you down to the ground is gravity. For reference, if you throw something up into the air, it will probably come down. Be careful.
   5. When walking, step forward with your left foot, then with your right. If you must, you can step forward with your right first and then follow with your left. Whichever way you choose to start, remember to keep alternating.

   I hope that information helps. By the way, I think your question mark key might be broken.

   All the best,

   --"Princess"

   Mar 5, 2006 at 9:04pm
6. Wouldn't you like to know?:
   

   It's this a TV show, making her role fiction?

   YOU'RE RETARDED

   May 11, 2006 at 3:34am
7. OZ:
   

   I'm so glad you took the time to read the comment above your own. You know, the one that says "This is a joke!" Apparently that wasn't clear enough.

   Also, you said, "It's this a TV show, making her role fiction?" That makes a whole lot of sense, scholar. What does "It's this a TV show mean"? Perhaps you intended to write "Isn't this a TV show". And you call me retarded. Brilliant!

   Take the time to read my previous comment, and pay special attention to the safety tips I provided. You certainly sound like you need them, too.

   Kind regards,

   --Someone who would not like to know your name.

   May 11, 2006 at 7:06am
8. OZ:
   

   Attention Patricia Heaton fans: Please note the following three important items...

   1. This letter is not directed to Patricia Heaton, a television actress. It's directed at Debra Barone, a television character. Yes, a character, not a real person. Which leads us to...
   2. This is a joke! Relax.
   3. Comments are now closed because some of the people in your fan club are stupid, and stupid people shouldn't be allowed to live in normal society or post comments on a blog.

   Bye.

   May 11, 2006 at 7:13am
9. Cathartic Nonsense » An Attempt At Reconciliation With Debra Barone:
   

   [...] Wow, it's been a few months. About six, actually. I've had time to cool off, reflect on the things I've said. I trust you have also. Granted, some of those things needed to be said, but some didn't. But that's all in the past now. We should be pleasant to each other, Debra, not antagonistic. After all, we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year. [...]

   Jul 6, 2006 at 9:18pm
10. Cathartic Nonsense » Once Again, A Letter To “Everybody Loves Raymond’s” Debra Barone:
    

    [...] Anyway, what's up? What have you been doing in your free time? Have you expanded any of your hobbies, such as drinking and eating chocolate? If you find that you don't have much to do, I suggest starting a blog. That could eat up a good 30 to 60 minutes of your day, more at first when playing with the design. Plus people will get to see what you're up to beyond the letters we exchange. How's that sound? [...]

    Jul 6, 2006 at 9:24pm