Ponderings On Housing; The No Pants Zone

In exactly three weeks, I should be a homeowner. Actually, I should be a partial homeowner. Most of the homeowning will actually be done by the bank that I'm going to owe six-figures to, but I prefer to ignore that little fact.

Actually, couldn't the bank just walk inside that house someday and start barking orders? "Get me a soda! Paint that wall orange! No pets allowed! No white devils allowed, either! Put some pants on!" What can I say? I'll technically own about 10% of the house, so can I ignore 10% of those orders? If so, then I choose the last one. Home is the "No Pants Zone," and that goes for (attractive) guests, too.

Polite social custom says that banks don't normally do that, however. Then it's a good thing I don't own a bank. Every house would have "Pretty People No Pants Zones." Mind you, I'm talking about pants. Underwear is certainly allowed, although optional, because I'm no pervert. The NP Zone is more the result of me being a pseudo-slob; the "Pretty People" part is just an added benefit that might as well be tacked on to an existing, effective infrastructure. I'm no prude, either.

So three weeks to go, which means about six weeks or so until I vacate my apartment. That's about six weeks that I have to find a sub-leasor. Or is sub-tenant? Sub-letter? That's about six weeks that I have to find someone to sub-lease my apartment. My plan is to put an ad in the local paper, which is about eight whole sheets of newsprint, five of which are dedicated to stories about plowing or bird-watching. Here are some of the ads I've drafted but were deemed "inappropriate" or "stupid" by the paper.

• 1 BdRm apt sublease. Includes 1 BthRoom w/ working toilet! Can shower or bath, either not both.
• Sublease: 1 subBdRm, 1 subBthRm. Includes subLunch @ Subway. SubYum!
• Gas, food, rent. Only afford 2/3? Rent&Food! Apt sublease, wlkng dist to wrk.
• SL/1BR/1BR/NPZone. Ad cost $$$$, rent costs $$. There's no justice.
• Sublease 1 brkn spaceship. Goes nowhere fast! 1 window, port side. Looks like apt bldg. Fool the govt.
• My wife thinks I'm placing an apt ad. Need Jets tickets. Call during work hours.

I'll have to try again tomorrow. Alas...

And the sign says "Pants-wearing freaky people need not apply."
So I put my trenchcoat around my waist and I went in to ask him why.
He said, "You look like a fine outstanding young man. I think you'll do."
So I showed him my pants, then I said "Imagine that, huh, me working for you."

Today is "The Last Day of August!" Next year, this month will have another name. Mark my words.