Equal Opportunity Halloween

Happy Halloween!!

Okay, I'm about a month early on that. But I'm excited for Halloween O-Fizzy because this is the first time I get to decide what to give the children as tricks or treats.

That's right, it's not all treats at my house. A few randomly chosen (read: those who ring the doorbell during the Monday Night Football game) will be subject to a 50/50 probability of receiving a trick instead of a treat. Paddy O'Wife suggested giving those kids a trick in addition to a treat, but that's not the way the world works. It's about time Sponge Bob Square Pants and the ballerina learned that. Tricks. Treats. Either, not both.

Incidentally, if we were in Miami I might be inclined to do tricks y treats. But we're not. Plus, Paddy O'Wife put me in a foul mood when I was discussing with her when she said "Silly, chico, tricks are for illegal aliens." Not at my place! Blonde hair, blue eyes -- TRICK! You're going to have enough advantages in life anyway, Chad.

So I've been thinking of what tricks I could possibly play on the kids and not get arrested. A few came to mind:

• Dress up as Santa Claus and answer the door with a present in hand. Start to give the present to the child and then say, "Wait, did you say 'trick or treat'? Only bad little children even think about playing tricks on people. No Christmas for you this year! Ho ho (SLAM!)"
• Dress up as a beat-up Santa Claus and tell the kids "I don't have any candy because the Easter Bunny robbed me."
• Dress up as Santa Claus and open the door saying, "You know what's a fun trick? Believing that I'm real!" and then taking off the fake beard.
• Dress up as Santa Claus and have a couple of feathers hanging out of my mouth. Answer the door screaming, "I ate the Tooth Fairy, and now I have a taste for baby teeth! RAWR!!!"
• Dress up as Santa Claus and answer the door like a normal human being. Ask the kids, "Do you know who I am?" When they answer, "Yes," reply with, "Then you know I'm on vacation," and close the door.

I'm not really sure which tricks I'll do, but either way I better pick up a Santa suit.

You may think that's cute, but this picture came with a ransom note!

Today is "Justice" Day! Johnny Bob is the new head honcho.