Zelienople

Isn't that a strange word? It sounds less like a town in Pennsylvania and more like some rare treats traded in the dark alleys of the Emerald City.

Psst! Hey, buddy, wanna buy some zelienople?
Sure, how much?
Not much, just your brain.
What a bargain!!
Sure you won't be needing it, Stretch?
Nah, my cousin didn't have one and some mime gave him a new one.
A mime?
Yeah. Although I hear he couldn't pull a rabbit out of his hat.
You mean a magician?
Oh, yeah. That's it!
And this magician had an extra brain?
Sure did! He kept it behind this curtain.
Are you talking about the Wizard?
Wizard, magician, same thing.
He was a fraud. Don't you read the papers?
I can't read.
Look, pal, deal's off. I don't think you have to anything to pay with.
What do you mean?
Exactly.

Speaking of which, how come no one asked poor Toto what he wanted?

The scarecrow got his brain. The tin man got his heart. Dorothy got to go home and that giant cat learned not to run away every time the tin man sneezed. Although, to be fair, a sneeze from the tin man sounds like an eighteen-wheeler backfiring in an echo chamber. "Gesundheit" doesn't quite cut it for that event.

To boot, the film mocks poor Toto's color blindness. When Dorothy is in Kansas, everything's black and white. Her and Toto, level playing field. All of a sudden, a tornado takes them to Color Land. Poor Toto, though, still thinks he's in Kansas. That's why Dorothy had to tell him, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore." It all looks the same to the poor pooch.

At least Dorothy was there to help him out. Otherwise, Toto would really have been in trouble. Either the munchkins would have had a feast or the flying monkeys would have played Quidditch with him. (How's that for a cross-franchise reference?) Have you ever seen a small dog kicked around in the air by flying monkeys? Well, I have, and let me assure that it's only one quarter as funny as it sounds.

Flying simians and ravenous dwarves aside, the poor dog wouldn't even have been able to get home! "Follow the yellow brick road," he'd hear. Well, which is the yellow brick road? Is it that gray one or that other gray one? How about this gray one? And how would he know when he reached his destination. To Toto, the "Emerald City" also happens to be the "Gray City," just like all the others.

How about some sensitivity, folks? A sign here and there wouldn't hurt. Did the city council run out of money when they made the roads out of gold? Or when they built an entire city out of emeralds? Here's an idea: pawn the emerald toilet paper holders and put up some signs! If Mr. Rogers would have been stuck there, he'd be in the same boat as Toto! Why would you do that to America's (late) favorite neighbor?

The point is this: after all of the hardships the poor canine had to endure, it would have been nice to just ask him what he would have liked from the Wizard. I'm sure it wouldn't even have been as complex as a vital organ or a personality makeover. In fact, I bet I know what would have made Toto happy: a bowlful of fresh zelienople.

Do you have an appointment to see the Wizard?

Today is "Jokers and Jesters" Day! If you're either, laugh it up! Otherwise, sit there quietly.