An Inconsiderate Season

October 25th, 2005 by OZ

Like a bandage, I'll just grit my teeth and yank: I saw falling snow this morning.

I am now offiicially incapable of reaching "maximum happiness" because it's snow season. Paddy O'Wife tried to convince me that it wasn't actually snowing, that it was actually light sleet or thick rain. I'm not falling for your tricks, DB. I know my archenemy when I see it.

Snow.

After she accepted her fate for the next few months (i.e., hearing me complain), she was also a bit incredulous about the presence of snow this early in the year. "It's still October!" she o'said. "This shouldn't be happening!" Don't I know it!

Here, then, is a dramatization of a typical season picnic...

AUTUMN: Hey, Winter! What the hell!?
WINTER: *snicker*
AUTUMN: Damn you! I'm not done killing the leaves yet.
SPRING: The leaves must sleep for their glorious rebirth.
AUTUMN: I'm not in the mood for your pixie dust optimism, Spring! Winter's hording in on my time.
SPRING: Maybe you could work out your differences and discuss your feelings.
AUTUMN: Shut it, space-o! Hey, Old Man W!
WINTER: What? I didn't do anything.
AUTUMN: What about this crap falling from the sky? That's your mess!
WINTER: You're the one dropping the pretty leaves.
AUTUMN: You know that pisses me off! They're not pretty! They're dying! Decaying! Decomposing! Stop saying they're pretty!
WINTER: Whatever you say, pretty boy.
AUTUMN: I'll kill you!!
SPRING: Friends, please calm down.
AUTUMN: I'll kill you!!
SPRING: Eeee!
WINTER: Ha ha ha!
AUTUMN: Hey, enough of your season-mongering! Spring's too much of a butterfly hugging hippy to say anything, but I'm not.
WINTER: I'm just trying to get a head start. Maybe you should do that, too.
AUTUMN: I can't do that.
WINTER: Why, because you have a crush on Summer?
AUTUMN: Oh, like you don't! Everyone loves Summer. It's the hottest of all seasons.
WINTER: Puntastic.
AUTUMN: I meant sexy.
WINTER: I don't like Summer.
AUTUMN: That's because you're a heartless crotchety old man.
WINTER: And you wonder why I cut into your time.
AUTUMN: I'll kill you like you were a leaf!!

The scene disrupts into violent chaos between AUTUMN and WINTER. SPRING skips away, with a butterfly in its arms, in search of SUMMER who, despite occasional hurricanes, enjoys living year-round in the Caribbean.