The Cookware Hero, Part 3

Part 1, Part 2, Part 4

Ricky didn't actually set out to do something special as much as it sort of just fell in his lap.

One day, while making himself a lunchtime hamburger utilizing his spatula-hand, Ricky was feeling lazy and cooked the hamburger patty between two slices of bread.

"What the hell did you do to that burger, Spat?" asked Ricky's wife, Beula.

Beula was one of the two twin daughters who had flirted with Ricky near the end of his historic (to the residents of Matty Melt) journey. Ricky, missing a hand and having mistaken an ostrich for a giant chicken, set out on another not-so-historic journey shortly after the loss of his hand.

The first journey was about efficiency, determination, and eggs. The second one was entirely about vengeance. Ricky retraced his steps through all the farms, warning folks that a giant bird was roaming the country side. Most people laughed at him, but Ricky persevered.

If they were to see this bird, Ricky would tell the farmers once they stopped laughing, they should not try to get near it, lest they lose a hand. However, if they had the opportunity, Ricky would then request, they should shoot the giant chicken dead as dead since it had, after all, eaten Ricky's hand.

As he once again neared the end of his journey, Ricky happened upon the farm where the twin daughters lived. After telling his horrifyingly embarassing tale, Ricky was pleased to see that the twin daughters still had an interest in him. He resolved to marry one of the daughters. He chose Beula, because her name sounded like the first syllables of beautiful.

"Leave me be!" snarled Ricky. "I should have married your twin sister!"

Beula's twin sister never lost her curves, her gleaming smile, or her pleasant demeanor. Beula, by comparison, had just two shallow curves, was missing her two front teeth, and had been arrested twice for assault and battery.

"Then why didn't ya, Spat?" Beula retorted.

"Stop calling me Spat!" said Ricky for what seemed the millionth time. "If I'd had to do it all over again, I'd've married Herpetia in a heartbeat! You can't even remember what a heartbeat is, since your heart stopped beating so long ago."

"Take a walk, Spat," Beula threatened, "before I cleave off your other hand!"

And so Ricky left, mangled hamburger in mangled hand, and stopped off at his neighborhood bar. He ordered a beer and starting eating his sandwich, unaware of the out-of-towner staring at his spatula-hand.

I really meant for this story to be complete now, but it just keeps growing! One more piece (for real, this time) tomorrow.

No one in this city has a spatula for a hand. What a rip!

Today is "Like January 2nd, But In China" Day! Happy Chinese New Year! 4703, the Year of the Dog!