The North Pole Offshore-Outsources to the US

Alas, poor Santa Claus. The global population has become so numerous that Mr. Claus is having difficulty keeping tabs on whether people are naughty or nice. Tough times call for tough measures, which is why Santa has subcontracted the American portion of his yuletide list-creating and double-checking out to the National Security Agency. Now Santa can get back to the leisurely business of cookie eating and elf flogging.

The NSA's list even introduces some new levels of granularity that Santa can use in determining how much coal is to be left in a stocking or how much cyanide to stealthily pour into morning coffee. The two traditional extremes, Naughty and Nice, still exist, of course. However, now there's also Evildoer, Suspected Evildoer, Probability Greater Than Zero Evildoer, Evildoer's Friend, Evildoer's Mailman, Evildoer's Second Cousin's Roommate's Long-Lost Pre-School Classmate, Probably Not An Evildoer But Let's Check Anyway, and American. This may seem like it introduces a lot of complexity back at the North Pole, but Santa gets the NSA's list with the aforementioned coal and/or cyanide recommendations already done for him. On with the elf flogging!

Speaking of elves, those little folks reproduce at a rate that makes even rabbits say "take a break!" Santa Corp. can't possibly feed, train, and employ the booming elf population on its own, and so the NSA comes to the rescue once again. That cushy list-creating contract has created many employment opportunities for the agency, and elves help fill those those roles economically since they're paid in marshmallows. It actually works out quite well, marshmallow paychecks aside. Who better to poison coffee than a two foot tall nimble being with super-sensitive hearing, cat-like night vision, and peppermint flatulence? Plus, the elf-spies love the gig since they're not forced to wear bells on the tips of their curly shoes. It's a win-win situation -- if you're part of the NSA or a Christmas elf.

The rest of us, however, should take care when calling our grandmas to tell her that her oatmeal cookies are "the bomb" and that they "hijacked our tastebuds", lest our coffee taste a little funny the next morning.

Our attempts at infiltrating Elf-Spy Training School were quickly foiled.

Today is "Long Distance House Call" Day! See if you can convince a doctor to fly 1,200 miles today.