Morbid, Yes, But That's How We Roll

If you're looking for affordable santeria services, now's the perfect time. Santeros all over Miami are working overtime, pro bono, with one body of facial hair in mind: The Beard. They're placing all types of hexes on Fidel Castro's fragile health and, for a limited time only, you too can get their services at wholesale prices while their entire stock of supplies is out and warmed up. No activation fees and no contracts!

The rest of the world likely doesn't care too much, but for Cuban exiles (and their blogging children stuck in the Great White North), the news of Fidel's transfer of power to his little brother, the spry Raul Castro (a mere 75 years young), is cause for celebration. Miami is on the verge of declaring a holiday. Sure, the transfer happened on Monday night, but that's Cuban Time for you. I shouldn't have to explain it again.

Can you imagine the party when The Beard finally cashes in (if he hasn't already)? The following events could all happen in the same year and the celebrations would pale in comparison the No More Fidel Fiesta on Calle Ocho:

• The Miami Dolphins win the Super Bowl.
• The Miami Heat win the NBA Championship.
• The Florida Marlins win the World Series.
• The Florida Panthers win the Stanley Cup.
• The state of Florida learns to vote.
• Peace is declared in the Middle East when all the countries agree to settle their differences on a shuffleboard court in Boca Raton.
• An anti-hurricane device is invented.
• Paris Hilton trips in a trendy nightclub while dancing on the bar and falls into the liquor bottles causing damage that's not enough not to kill her, but enough to disfigure her such that she never shows her face in public again.
• All retirees in Florida become good drivers.

Put all of that together and still it's not going to be as exciting as The Beard Has Been Shaved Day. If we're lucky, that'll be any day now. In just ten days, Fidel turns 80. I'm counting on you santeros to make sure that scraggly bastard doesn't see the big eight-oh. Don't let me down, or else I'll put a curse on you.

Just kidding! (Please don't hex me.)

Don't get too excited and target the wrong beard.

Today is "Poached" Day! If you were outside for more than 5 minutes, then today is your day.