It's Like Winning A Medal For Breathing

Announcements are a funny thing. I was just at a football game when it was broadcast to over 50,000 people that some guy just quit smoking.

Wahoo.

It's great that this individual is no longer part-chimney, but announcing that accomplishment to a stadium full of beer-guzzling, blood-thirsty football fans is a bit much. And come to think of it, it isn't exactly an accomplishment either. It's pretty well established that smoking is bad, m'kay, so it's not something you should be doing anyway. That's like announcing, "Congratulations to Mike Michaelson for no quitting his random murders habit." Hey, Mike, you shouldn't be murdering people in the first place.

Next week, I hope they announce to everyone in the stadium that I've brushed my teeth every day for the past week. For the record, my daily brushing streak is much longer than a week, but the stadium has only been receiving my daily brushing reports for a few days. I can't expect them to just take my word for it!

It's likely, however, that some other new non-smoker will get my five seconds of fame. But for a bit of cash, I know I can get the hockey arena to announce my "no death" streak in March. Most people call that a "birthday", but I'm more pragmatic. Isn't "Happy Birthday", after all, a way of saying, "Congratulations on extending your no-dying streak for another year. You're getting pretty good staying alive, so here's a pair of socks."

I should write for Hallmark.

The shame of it is that once your streak has ended, you don't get another chance to start a new one. Well, unless reincarnation is actually how things work. If so, it would really suck if one came back as a fruit fly. Then again, if one came back as a tortoise at a cushy zoo, then they might as well put your name in the record books. I'm not sure who "they" are, but "they" keep those stats.

Come to think of it, those stats would be useful for everyone to have. We could all make our own trading cards, updated once a year, with stats such as Average Burps per Day, Career Lollipops Finished Without Biting, and, of course, No-Dying Streak. And since they'll be updated once a year, likely on the anniversary of each person's birth, we could call them Birthday Cards. Festive and informative!

I think both of their streaks are pretty safe.

This post was brought to you by the Lollipop Purists Consortium. Stop biting!