On Christmas Lists, My Indoor Forest, and A Colorless Holiday

It's been a week of wishes -- or rather, wishlists. I put together my "Holiday Registry" so Santa impersonators (i.e., my friends and family) would know what to buy me for Presents Day. It was really quite generous of me to list everything to save them all the trouble of thinking "What would he like?" I'm a people person. That's how I roll -- like an eighteen-wheeler carrying three metric tons of generosity.

My wishlist contained the usual ho-ho-ho-hum items like videogames, DVDs, and a pet polar bear, but it isn't called a wishlist for nothing. I also had some items for the truly caring Santa impersonators who felt like undertaking a quest more dangerous than finding a parking spot at the mall on Christmas Eve. Those items are:

• A full pardon for The Grinch.
• For Jessica Simpson to be as talented as her younger sister. (Thank you, Dolly Parton!)
• Nine ladies dancing... and $900 in $1 bills.
• For people to learn that "it's" is the contraction of "it is" and "its" is the possessive of "it".
• A Nintendo Wii system.
• Canada.
• For someone to read my blog. (Thank you, you!)

Wishlists aren't the only activity I'm doing to get into the holiday spirit. I also bought a tree-corpse to display in my living room like Lenin's body is displayed at Red Square. Unlike Lenin's body, however, this tree is way too big for my living room. Continuing with the morbid Russian death display thread, I was overruled when I suggested taking the "Stalin's body approach" and removing the too-big tree. The o'wife loves her giant tree-corpse, even if a full quarter of the living room is now a one-tree forest.

Seriously, this tree is huge. By the time we finish decorating it, it'll be Easter... of 2017! And we'll be dirt poor because we spent all our money on buying more and more ornaments because the 59 dozen we currently own will only cover 1/8th of the tree. And forget about the lights! Remember that scene in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" where Clark turns on the lights on his house and almost blacks out his surrounding blocks? With this tree, I might recreate that scene indoors! Speaking of "Christmas Vacation", there's also a part where Clark finds a squirrel living among the branches of his tree. Well, I'm afraid that I'm going to go downstairs tomorrow morning and find three cats: Pancho, Loki, and Simba! This giant tree is going to turn me into a real life Clark Griswold. If the o'wife has a Cousin Eddie who's going to drop in unannounced with his smelly RV and garbage-eating dog, then I'm getting in my inner tube and going back to Miami.

Actually, I am going back to Miami, sans inner tube, for Presents Day anyway. As is our custom, the o'wife will spend Christmas with her family in the Great White White North while I'm with la familia enjoying 70 degree weather. I believe this is our seventh separate holiday season in the seven years we've been dating or married -- a perfect record! It works out great because she enjoys a "white Christmas", and I think that's the stuff of nightmares. We're a great match!

"White Christmas!" If there was ever a phrase that deserved a "bah humbug", "white Christmas" is it. Come to think of it, that's probably why Scrooge was so cranky. Arthritis + radiator not yet invented + crippling cold = evil disposition. That's the way it works with me, and I don't have arthritis and do have furnace heating. Sure, I may sound like a Scrooge, but I don't see the appeal of a "white Christmas". For example, I always thought those movies and TV shows showing kids getting a new bike on Christmas while it was snowing outside was pretty cruel. "Here's a new bike, Timmy, but you can't ride it for four or five months until it warms up!" That's like giving a kid a videogame console but hiding the controllers for four or five months. That's sick! When I got a bike for Christmas growing up, I was riding that same day. In fact, when I got swim trunks for Christmas, I was at the beach that same day. Try trudging through eight inches of snow on the way to grandma's house on Christmas morning and I have a feeling that your wishlist will condense itself into one item: To be someplace warm.

But I digress. Whether you're freezing or sunbathing during Presents Day or Festivus or Just-Another-Monday, I hope everyone is having a nice start to their holiday season. 'Tis the season indeed to be jolly and wind down after a long year. Throw an eggnog, have some party, and no, that's not a typo. For my part, I'll be having an nog party of my own this week in my corner office.

Happy Holidays you jive-ass turkeys!

Three years ago, I put some Bailey's in Santa's milk and cookies. He was pulled over and arrested for DTSWI (Dashing Through the Snow While Intoxicated). Sorry, Santa.