My Corner Office New Hire

Lots of people blog about their jobs, so I decided to join in the fun despite having a home office and working remotely. Sure, I miss out on department outings, but there is one advantage: I have a corner office.

And just because I'm remote doesn't mean that I don't have co-workers. These are the folks I interact with, also known as the cast of characters:

• Pancho Villa, New Employee Transition Representative: Shows newbies the ropes. And the snack area. And the litter box, because he's a cat.
• Leviathan Placo, Marketing and HR P.I.M.P.: His management style is sleek and smooth. So are his scales, because he's a freshwater fish.
• L. B., New Hire: The newbie in question. Details below.
• OZ, Code Monkey: Had that title before Coulton's musical masterpiece. This is me. I dig Jonathan Coulton. I'm also a human being.

Apparently the economy had a small positive hiccup because My Corner Office hired a new employee! The higher-ups felt that it was time to start some new projects but all current workers are tied up with existing work. And since our company abides by federal law, and because 100% of the air breathing population is Latino, we hired a local Pittsburgher. Enter...

Loki Batman

I'm not too certain what Loki's job title actually is yet. So far he's just learning the ropes and going through orientation. Although, the first week wasn't so much orientation as much as it was that no one realized he required full orientation. Pancho, our New Employee Transition Rep., is used to summarizing orientation as, "Don't breathe air and keep swimming." It seems that Pancho gave Loki this advice and then Pancho went back to his office. Loki was confused by the second part of Pancho's advice, but he tried to follow the first part and eventually passed out and resumed breathing on his own.

Our hiring standards are evidently not very stringent.

One week later, Loki asked me what he should be doing. I asked our resident HR P.I.M.P., Leviathan, who then promptly called Pancho into his office and got so mad that there was even some splashing involved. Given Leviathan's usual level of restraint, that must have been a bad argument. Pancho then got to work on a full orientation.

"Here's the snack area. Crunchy food magically appears at various times throughout the day. Moist food shows up once a day, around quitting time. And this is the observation portal. From here you can see the Land of Outside, but it's against company policy to visit it unsupervised. This is the restroom. Some of our less civilized employees use this instead of the restbox. Oh, and this is the restbox. I trust you know how to use that. What!? (sigh) Follow me."

The next couple of weeks proceed rather smoothly until Pancho took some sick time. Leviathan, not knowing what else to do with the new guy, had me start training Loki in the basic principles of object-oriented programming. That lasted only a day when I realized that he wasn't quietly looking over my shoulder but rather snoozing under my desk! Lazy new hires!

That was about a month ago. Pancho has since returned and all is well. Orientation seems to be over but I'm still uncertain what Loki's actual job function is. He does occasionally set up shop in my office but I only see him napping or attempting to eat things that shouldn't be eaten. I guess he's not getting paid well.

Wake up, newbie!!

He got that ambition, baby, look in his eyes / Give Kanye that award or else he pouts and he cries.